Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Quadruple digit IQ
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options