When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
You Might Also Like
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Good news
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble