[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
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Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why