He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Hmm, not sure about this change
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper