In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
i dont have time for this
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.