Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
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This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.