[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
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spot the difference
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My favorite female superhero
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it