Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.