I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
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I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Geez man, take it easy.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.