My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.