Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
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My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down