My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
All generalizations are stupid.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.