i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
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Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.