Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
You Might Also Like
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Body by sandwich.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol