[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
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nature’s most graceful animal
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
*pronounces patio like ratio
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.