My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: