*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
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I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.