I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
This sounds bad:
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu