Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
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sistine chapel
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.