Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
You Might Also Like
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”