Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
You Might Also Like
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
True.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”