just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
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NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
This made me chuckle.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.