oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
no regrets
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
🤣could you imagine
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something