ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
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I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
need him
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum