My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
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My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”