Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
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Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Sooo many times…..
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Have a lovely day 😊
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍