My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
☠️☠️☠️
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.