Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
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This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.