Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
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the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
me when the borders lift
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.