No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.