People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: