Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
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if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
saving face 👀
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Finally, an explanation.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.