Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
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me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
No, I don’t think I will.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk