Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
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I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
What number SPF blocks people?
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol