My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
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I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
who wants to go expliring
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)