why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
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Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.