Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!