waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
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how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Mornin
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC