[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
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My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS