Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
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I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The cake is mightier than the sword.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Going to church you guys need anything
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work