Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?