If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
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Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything