[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
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this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.