Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
You Might Also Like
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
rapatouille
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Me driving through Toronto
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]