This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
This took me a second..
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.