do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM