That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
If looks could kill
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”