Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that