I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”