waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
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When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
No. He’s not coming out to play
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY